Christmas, Christmas.

All is calm, all is bright. ~Silent Night lyrics

We had a wonderful Christmas day. It didn’t follow our plans at all – we were not able to travel to Kansas City due to snow on the roads and a river in our basement. Mini natural disasters aside, it was a wonderful day. It was the first day this year that we could spend the entire day playing with the kids (and their new toys). Just two days ago I was wondering if we had hit the magical balance with the kids gifts: not too few to underwhelm or disappoint and not too many to build raving material monsters. Today, I realized, the gift I wanted most to give them was attention and time and patience and warmth. We got to give it.  I am truly blessed.  We are off to KC tomorrow for more celebratin’.   Peace.

 

december days

Brew me a cup for a winter’s night.
For the wind howls loud and the furies fight;
Spice it with love and stir it with care,
And I’ll toast our bright eyes,
my sweetheart fair.
~Minna Thomas Antrim

The mice are settling into their cozy mouse house, just in time for winter.  So are we.  The kids keep asking if it is really winter yet.  It is hard to explain that we haven’t hit the solstice, but winter is here (it has been quite cold).  The kids are both at a new level of understanding, so there is constantly something to try to explain, some of them are hard.  Here’s a sampling:

1. Is it tomorrow today?  Max asks this question every single day.  I guess it will never stop because tomorrow is always tomorrow.  I wish I could somehow insert the little lilt in his voice when he asks and especially how he draws out the todaaaaaaaaaaaay. 

2. That Jesus is a part of Christmas as well as Santa.   We talked about this while we put up our tree.  I was talking about Jesus being God’s son and Christmas being the day he was born.  Max’s response was “God had a son? I didn’t notice that.” I think he was meaning to say “I didn’t know that” but it was much funnier the way he said it.  As Max went on and on about how he didn’t notice that God had a son (and I do blame myself for him not “noticing that”), I said, “yes, isn’t that interesting?”  Grace says “I think it’s interesting that the earth and the moon revolve around the sun, that’s what I think it interesting.”  I blame Dan for that one. 

3.  That not everyone celebrates Christmas.  When Grace and I were talking about our tradition of going to church on Christmas eve and then opening presents, she said “that’s not OUR tradition, everyone does that.”  It was a great opportunity to talk about how certainly not everyone does that, including her very own grandparents who are Jewish.  Which brought us back to other topics (see #2).

It is wonderful to see the complexity of the world slowly come into place for these little ones.  The wonderfulness is that so far in our family, it has come into place very slowly.  I pray that will continue and things stay simple for them as long as it can.  I’ll toast to the simple life.

 

December Fun

We cannot do great things on this Earth, only small things with great love. ~Mother Teresa

We are in the beginning of winter and in the midst of the holiday season.  We went out for our first holiday lights drive last Friday and to breakfast with Santa on Saturday.  The kids loved the Winter Wonderland in Tilles Park; the best part for them is wearing their jammies and sitting up front with us.  They loved Santa and all the fun at the breakfast.  Friday night, we were all tired when we got home late because we searched out a house on Grace’s route to school that has santa, a sleigh and reindeer on the roof.  We wanted to check and see if Rudoulf had a lit-up red nose at night (he did).  The kids slept in their sleeping bags in our room together.  I was urging them to go to sleep, in the way that I tend to urge at 9:00 on a Friday night when they’re still awake — basically ignoring everything they say and repeating without thinking – “go to sleep guys or you lose the privilege to sleep in our room.”  As I was walking out of the room after getting myself ready for bed, they said for the millionth time, “Mommy…”  I repeated my go to sleep mantra and they said in unison in their little voices ”Happy Christmas Mommy.”  For real.  That was my shot of heaven for the weekend.  A small thing that filled me with great love and set off a good weekend.

 

thanksgivin’

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday.  People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year.  And then discover once a year is way too often.  ~Johnny Carson

Just kidding family.  We do love Johnny Carson though.  Here’s the real quote:

Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.  ~William Shakespeare

We had a fun thanksgiving, a very merry feast.  The house was full of family, there was enough cooked turkey for everyone to have a little bite before we hit the raw stuff, the whole fork baked in the corn bread souffle came totally clean in the dishwasher, no one hit Rob in the head with an egg in the last round of thanksgiving olympics and most of the spills didn’t leave a stain that can’t be covered with a giant afgan (did I mention I want a giant afgan for christmas?).

I am not joking when I say it was exactly as I pictured it.  We had our first big holiday in our own house.  The kids had cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents galore.  Grace was enthralled with Jim.  We shopped on Black Friday.  We staged an Olympics on Friday night (favorite sport was baseball card roulette, although it should be called baseball card war).  We played outside in a crisp blue day on Saturday.  We ate and ate and ate (nothing was overcooked, not one thing). Max kept calling it “thanksgivin” with such excitement you’d have thought it was his birthday.  This is what it’s all about.

 

It’s on

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. ~Thornton Wilder

Thanksgiving is almost here!  We are hosting the whole Barmann clan this year at our little cottage.  We are so excited; this is the first time we have spent a big holiday in our house with family coming to us – we are grateful.  Bread, muffins and brownies are baked, the turkey is thawing, the pantry is overflowing.  Grace keeps saying she can’t wait for the churky feast (that’s how she spells turkey; tree is chree).  Me either.   I can’t wait for the house to be full of family.

It’s impossible to express in a consise way what I am most thankful for (there are endless things to be thankful for and I lack the gene of brevity)– this journal is a testament to the things I am deeply grateful for – it allows me to count my blessings as they percolate out of life.  How fortunate we are.

And you know by now how I treasure the little shot of heaven that comes with a good laugh.  Here are the two treats I got recently.

#1 Max to me during the lunch rush at St. Louis Bread Company: “Mommy, don’t you have a friend named God?”  He must have heard someone say something about God, which must have reminded him that I have mentioned God too.

Me: after laughing a bit.  “I do Max.”

Max: “Where does your friend live?  Didn’t you tell me he lives in my tummy?”

Me: after laughing even more and thinking about it a bit. “I think I probably said that God is everywhere and lives in your heart”

Max: “I think you said your friend God lives in my tummy. How does he get out?”

Me: now we’re in the bathroom and this conversation is echoing for everyone to hear. after more laughing and quick thinking “He gets out when you feel love buddy”

It went on and on until he noticed that the soap at the sink was the foamy kind, then we moved on to other topics.

#2 Grace to me at the end of her bath: “Is Daddy reading to me tonight?  I want to talk to him about when clothes were first made.”  They have been discussing history and timelines when he puts her to bed.  Me, I ask about what funny or good or exciting things happened at school that day, which she rarely answers.

I laughed a bit at her statement and looked at her funny.  She’s old enough now to read looks, and she said “Well, its just that daddy probably knows about when clothes were first made and you probably don’t. ”  Another look from me.  Grace: “Do you know when clothes were first made Mommy?”

Me: laughing “there were probably just always clothes. You should talk to Daddy about it.”   In my head I thought, “because he makes stuff up a lot better than me.”   He actually is great at history and she’s getting a big kick out of that lately.  Another gene I’m lacking. 

I treasure these days.  Happy Thanksgiving.

 

Clear Skies

Can you deny there’s nothing greater, nothing more than the traveling hands of time? ~Tear Stained Eye lyrics

We had a fun weekend.  It ended with Dan’s birthday on Sunday which we celebrated with coffeecake muffins for breakfast and a cookie cake after dinner. 

I was so pleased to have the company of both of my kids on a run too.  We went four miles and they were fabulous.  I wouldn’t have preferred to be any where else in the world.

 

The Heart of Things

Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace. ~May Sarton

We met Ellen half way between her house and ours, at her parents farm just south of Terre Haute, Indiana.  It was a journey to the soul of the heartland.  And wonderful, every bit of it.  Mostly it was wonderful to be with Ellen, who is a dear part of our family since she was in our home many hours each week for a huge part of Grace’s early years and my first years as a parent.   It was an honor to get to be a part of Ellen’s family for a weekend, in the place she spent her childhood, and to get to know her parents.  It was such a treat to get to learn about what life is like when farming is your “job”.  I was most impressed that Ellen’s mom grew and sold over 7,500 mums.  The ones we saw were absolutely beautiful.  We came home with a wild assortment of gords and a 77 pound pumpkin, all from Slater Farms.  You might guess that the best moment for me was making dinner with Ellen and her mom.  All of the vegetables were straight from their fields.  And we made a blackberry cobbler!  On a farm!  I was in heaven.  I think Max’s best moment was seeing Ellen’s dad pull up on his tractor and to get to ride around on it.  Grace’s best moment was being with her dear Ellen, she just lights up in her presense.  And Dan, well, I’d have to say his favorite moment was checking out the train tracks.  It was so relaxing to be out where activity is in pace with the sun and moon.  Thank you Slater Family!

 

We Fall Down

For everything that lives is holy, life delights in life. ~William Blake

Thanks to mercy, we are back on our feet after the trying week of last: mercy from the weather gods and the saints of health. The sun has been shining for six days in a row without a drop of rain. Dan kicked his flu, Max rebounded from his ear infection and the lump I found!! checked out to be nothing (I’m still wondering if the mammogram smashed it to smitherines and set it free to float around my entire body, but will let that thought go).  Things are mostly put back in order on the shelves in my head and the walls are no longer closing in.  We’re looking forward to a FUN and busy weekend: the Son Volt show friday night; a kids show Saturday afternoon, cocktails and dinner out on Saturday night and Dan’s birthday Sunday.  Emphasis on fun, that will feel good.

Max and I shared the most peaceful moment at the park today.  He wanted to be pushed on the swing and both of us got lost in the moment: the trees, the crisp air, the leaves, kids playing.   He peacefully swang back and forth for over ten minutes, without one word.  It took me back to the feeling I had being with him when he was a baby, he was so peaceful and quiet.  I was filled with love for my little quiet boy.  And it reminded me of how I love his quiet Dad. 

I have a recurring thought about being like a tree.  In the rain and storms the trees get kind of beat up and they sag and their limbs get moved and pushed and swirled all about by the wind.  But trees continually do their best to hold their limbs up, reaching and growing towards the sky.  When the sun comes back out they perk right up.  We’ve weathered a little tiny storm and are standing tall and strong with our faces soaking up the sun. Sometimes we fall down, but this is the good life and it is all holy, holy, holy.

 

Not a Banner Week

We have seen better days. ~William Shakespeare

This week was trrble (think Charles Barkley’s voice). It started out really great with a trip to our original nanny Ellen’s family farm (post to come shortly).  Then it went to poo.

Next is the top ten list of things that contributed to the yuck.  If you are reading this and didn’t take a vow to love me in sickness and in health, you are free to go.  Otherwise, keep reading.

10. Max feels bad: Max got a botched flu shot at walgreens from the meanest nurse in the world, wouldn’t walk for an entire day, then had a fever, and then an H1N1 shot a couple of days later.  This all made him very crabby.

9. Single parenting: Dan was out of town for three days and nights for work at the Mayo Clinic so I had the littles alone.

8. Getting nothing done: Bridget was on her honeymoon so we didn’t have our regular sitter for Wednesday; Dan called in a backup.  Backup sitter smoked, talked on her cell phone and generally ignored Max.  Her first question was “does he like cartoons?”.  She was disappointed for about 3 seconds when I said he could watch 2 shows, then she must have decided that this would leave the tv free for her soap operas, which she watched all day long.  Needless to say, this wasn’t a good environment, Max cried most of the day, and I didn’t get a lot of work done before I sent her home.  He kept saying “I love her, but I want her to go to her house.”  Sweet boy doesn’t even know what it feels like to not be comfortable with someone.

7. Rain, rain, rain: It rained over 12 inches in St. Louis this month, while the average for October is 2.84 inches.  3 of those12 inches were in the last two days.  It is the wettest October in history and one of the top five wettest months on record.  The guy laying our carpet called it a “world record”.  Gloomsville.

6. Poop: Grace alsmot pooped her pants while we were driving home in a downpour on Thursday.  I had four kids in the car because we had just picked up two little friends who stayed with us while their parents were traveling for work.  She had to go so bad, we pulled quickly into the grocery store and all five trudged through the rain to get her into the bathroom to avert crisis.  She was literally holding it in with her hands as we ran through the rain.

5. Max feels really bad: Max got an ear infection. He started every sentence today with a very whiny “But Mommy.”  By the end of the day he started every sentence with “But Mommy, you never, ever, let me ___.” (Fill in blank with – eat cupcakes for dinner, play in the basement, stay up past bedtime, eat candy for bed time snack, read books). 

4. Cooped up: Grace, Max and I couldn’t leave the house all day today while carpet was installed in the basement.  I snarked and snapped and whined at them almost all day out of tiredness, cabin fever, rainy day blues, general irratibility and bad parenting.  They snarked and snapped and whined too, but was it the chicken or the egg?

3. We missed fall: The leaves seemed to all have fallen down with the rain.  There is no crunch, no beautiful leaves drifting down, no blue sky.  There is just a soppy mess of wet leaves all over, including inside the house.

2. More poop: Max decided he was potty trained while we were in the drive through window at Walgreens to get his antibiotic.  As they were getting his perscription, he started yelling “I have to go potty.  Get me out of this seat.  Get me out of this silly seat, right now.  Right now. I have to go potty.”  He was wearing a diaper.  I had my head in my hands and actually forgot where I was.  The man at the window interrupted my wallowing with “sounds like fun in there.”  I always wonder if they can hear everything in your car the whole time or just when they are actually talking to you. Oy.

1. More illness: Dan returned from his trip late last night and now has some kind of flu; I think it is H1N1 and our doctor agrees.  I hope it is that and not some fancy mutant flu brought in from the Mayo Clinic.  I hope he gets better soon and doesn’t miss too much of the fun around here.

This probably shouldn’t even be posted.  It is isn’t funny, just icky and blah blah blah and I am sorry for that.   It feels good to write it down and have the freedom to say that is was, in fact, a pretty crappy week.  No runs, no quiet time, just mess.  

BUT, we are safe, I’m prayerful that we will be healthy soon and that the rain will stop.  Here’s what’s needed around here: sunshine, a run, some grace, a really good laugh and a good Halloween.  All in one day will be fine.

 

Leaves

The fall of a leaf is a whisper to the living. ~Russian Proverb

Our little cottage is covered in yellow leaves.  The kids and I are waiting for a special fall day to come: the day when the magestic trees on Monroe (street we live off) start to shed their leaves en masse.  It is a sight to see when so many leaves fall from the huge trees that meet in the sky above the street.  It will be any day now, I’m just hoping it is a beautiful blue sky day because it won’t be so great if it is still raining.  When this day comes, we’ll walk, we’ll take pictures and we’ll drive up and down Monroe with the sunroof open in the minivan.  We’ll hope that our heads and inside our car get covered in leaves that blow in.  We did it last year and can’t wait.  To honor the season, we made tissue paper, paper plate, tree puppets?! I always dreamed of living in a cottage in the forest.