Is this middle age?

Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each. ~Henry David Thoreau

I am breathing, really breathing, these days.  I feel like we are again at a new place in our life.  Grace is 7 1/2 and Max is turning 5 in two weeks. 

Over the past year, our rythyms have changed a lot.  There are years between us and the baby hormones and chronic lack of sleep and broken back from carrying littles, which helps in no small way to make life feel different.  In case you thought in the back of your mind that Max was only 2, he’s not at all.  He was born 5 years ago.  This isn’t new any more. 

The kids are so much more self sufficient and involved in a lot of kid things these days.  I have a sort of make-yourself-do-something-every-day-that terrifies-you workout routine with friends, which I love.  I don’t think it terrifies them, just me.  Friendships have changed, some in good and some in sad ways.  There are new people in our lives, who have opened their hearts and lives to us, and us them.  We learned that my incredibly strong, never-stop, do-it-all Mom has an illness that no one could have seen coming and no one knows how will go.  My sister is moving in with us this weekend to save some money for a bit, so our rhythm is sure to get a new beat again.  And I’m seeing a pattern now.  I’m learning to accept that life throws a lot of curve balls and that we are a strong species. 

I’m not quite as stunned on a regular basis as I used to be about our daily life.  I’m not quite as shocked about how much there is to do and how much love I have for our babies.  Right now isn’t so much about the awe of all that happens and changes with new life coming together as a family.  We’re in the thick of it and the focus is more about recognizing the kids’ spirits and accepting them (truly accepting them) as they become independent souls.  The clinker in there is that there’s a pretty big grey area in trying to discern their true spirit, that we will behold and protect, from what is simply insane, erratic, mess making, egocentric behavior that we should teach them to curtail, or override or channel or just stop already so they can function in the world.  It’s about not always being able to relieve their struggles because they are being challenged in so many good, healthy ways.  And maybe they’ll learn to accept curveballs.

What I’m noticing lately is that curveballs and grey areas are only there because we are lucky enough to be in the midst of a lifetime of love we get to share.  This is the lifetime of messiness that is a family, with illness and happiness and taking care of one another and opening our houses and taking trips and disappointing one another and wearing a dumb outfit and saying something hilarious.  And cuddling up on the couch as often as possible in hopes that that sort of physical closeness, along with really being aware of their true hearts, will insert a peacefulness deep in their soles.  So deep that it can fight through the disappointments and challenges and curve balls and grey areas as they start to depend less on us in the external world, and start to depend more on the pure love that has nudged deep inside them, right next to the place where god is in their hearts.

So we’re breathing, really breathing in the freedom of loving funny little (and big) messy souls.  And trying to take everything in for the blessing it brings.

 

Summer So Far

Life in abundance comes only through great love.
Elbert Hubbard

We are absolutely blessed and utterly lucky.  We are also flailing around trying to get our wits about us this summer.

The flailing is certainly a result of a combination of things, a culmination of things.

School’s out.

We have traveled.  Grace and I went on a girls trip to Chicago. 

Dan and Max went camping.

We said goodbye to our nanny of nearly four years.

Dan went to the beach with college friends for five days.

And while Dan was eating, I mean, at the beach in Rhode Island, Ellen made her annual visit (thankfully).

All of our routines are turned upside down, shaken about, hokey pokied and then batted out the window.  We’ve had sleepovers and pool time galore.

And somehow there’s a clinker. 

We had planned a trip for the kids to visit my parents in Kansas City for the first time without us and it didn’t work out. Another way to look at it: the kids went ape shit and we had to go back and get them. I don’t even know what that means, but the sounds from my mom’s car when she called us to come back and get them were of two wild apes loose in her backseat, so I’m guessing it qualifies as ape shit.

We didn’t handle it well, as individuals, as a couple, or as a family.

We tried to regroup but there’s really no getting back the four days you thought you would have kid-free but instead had kids-plus-the-worry-that-something-is-terribly-wrong-with-them-because-they-are-afraid-to-go-to-grandma’s-house-who-gives-them-everything-they-could-ever-ask-for-plus-the-worry-that-there-is-going-to-be-something-terribly-wrong-with-you-if-you-don’t-get-four-days-away-from-the-kids-plus-the-worry-that-maybe-all-of-your-need-to-have-a-break-made-them-believe-you-really-would-give-them-up-for-adoption-if-they-keep-fighting-and-this-”trip”-to-grandmas-was-really-an-orphanage-drop.

We decided the kids need about 3 more hours of sleep every night. So we tried that for the last couple of days.

We did have a sort of nice Father’s Day. Dan’s a great dad! and yadayadayada (next year I’ll  just write a post about what a great dad he is a quit my constant bellyaching). But walls were closing in, walls of fussing and whining all around. And around 10pm they closed all the way in. Gaskets were blown when it took three hours to get the big girl to sleep.

We didn’t handle it well, as individuals, as a couple, or as a family.

I woke up this morning with a strong dose of the bourgeois blues, thinking that I couldn’t take it today. Not another day of …

And here’s what I discovered. These are fabulous kids. And we have more than we could have ever asked for.  All they wanted to do this morning was to paint, but only after we straightened up the house. All they wanted to do at the pool this afternoon was be really good swimmers and have some of my hands-on attention. They took baths, played with neighbors, helped set the dinner table, learned a new song on the piano, played a board game and then went to bed.

There was a lot more hugging and kissing and closeness between us today. Somehow that has been missing in all of the summer fun.  Maybe that’s what did the trick and it wasn’t that they finally understood from my yelling and mumbling and muttering and stink eyes and generally bad parenting that they should shape up. Maybe a little extra sleep did us all some good.

We have been blessed with so much.  I would like to honor that by every minute of our lives being lovely.  But what’s lovely?  My expectations have been focused on the wrong things.  Honestly, I have been a little tiny teensy weensy bit miffed that I’m not a stay at home mom with a swimming pool in my backyard so that my kids would enjoy summer in the perfect way.  What in the he!!?  My kids want for nothing.  I want for nothing.

The only thing we need more of are hugs and kisses and good, solid, no holds barred attention between all of us.  And to quit all the misguided flailing and honor our simple good fortune by being more patient, kind and giving.  To one another in this house and to the greater one another.  That is the abundant life.

 

A Sunday in May

Today was all right. A series of moments that all felt full and easy. Cool air, sunshine, church, lunch outside, the whole afternoon outside. We planted a cottage garden. I didn’t even know how much I wanted a cottage garden until the lady at the nursery said the words “cottage garden.” I think the cottage garden was the tipping point that made all feel right in my world today. I am now complete.

We are healthy and have all that we need, in this moment.

 

Easter … Bunny!

We came for salvation
We came for family
We came for all that’s good that’s how we’ll walk away ~Salvation Song, the Avett Brothers

 

We had such a great Easter weekend!

 

It started Friday night with coloring eggs, and the start of cooking for the feast.  And the Good Friday Tornados.  Thanks to all of you who so sweetly thought of us and checked in.  We were fine and only a little unsettled by the sirens going on and off for hours.

 

 

Saturday morning, Mom, Dad and Amy arrived, with Easter baskets, of course.  Grandparents, baskets and aunts!   We were so pleased that they were able to join us.  It means so much.

 

 

Max tried chocolate, first in the form of a teeny tiny bite of a mini M&M.  And then a whole mini M&M. He survived and claimed he liked it; not sure I believe him. 

 

 

We caught the Easter Bunny leaving baskets for the kids.  They slept through the entire thing.

 

 

Everyone got gussied up and we went to a lovely Easter service where Grace and the kids choirs sang “This is the day.”  Appropriately, one little cherub belted the song!  This is the day.  (By the way, that is a huge pink bunny behind Grace, not a boa or giant double hand muff.)

 

 

And Luckily, while we were putting the finishing touches on the feast, the Bunny came back!  He hid some eggs inside while the kids scootered around on their new Razors.  They came in, searched for eggs and got to spend some time together.  I was upstairs and missed the whole thing.  Not a soul called for me or tried to find me.  

 

 

And then the feast: we had cinnamon rolls, fruit salad, asparagus, rice salad, quiche and mimosas to celebrate all of our blessings.   Totally yummy.

 

We spent the rest of the rainy afternoon around the house and neighborhood – jumping rope, scootering, riding bikes, walking and just being together.  It was a fabulous day.  I’m filled with joy that this is our life.  We did nothing to earn this.  We are so very deeply grateful.  That’s how we’ll walk away.

 

 

 

Grace Update

One day you’re gonna want to go
I hope we taught you everything you need to know
Gracie girl ~Lyrics from Ben Folds song, Gracie Girl

Our Gracie girl is going to be seven soon.  Ever the Gracie girl, our pooh bear, poohbie and poohbalicious.  She’s my heart and a mystery to me, this daughter of mine; a spirit all her own.

She loves nothing more than playing outside with her neighbor friends (and ice cream). Even when I offer to do manicures since I’m going out of town for three days, she chooses playing.

If mama was gonna buy her something to try to reflect how much I love her spirit, it wouldn’t be a mocking bird or a diamond ring, it would be the best climbing tree ever grown on earth.

If I could create moments that bring out the best in her, they would bring out the girl who is so joyful and carefree, in the moment and confident, jumping on ski slopes in Breckenridge or body surfing in Sanibel or swimming in any pool.

If I could capture her face, and excitement, and uplifted spirit after finishing her science project or getting her first point in a basketball game, I would.

I wish I could frame every little picture with scores of tiny animals she’s drawn, with annotations and scribbled words that say, very simply, without fluff, I love you.

I’m realizing that my intention was to say that if I could fill her life with only these things, all full of best moments, that I would; if I could store them all, put them in bottles and boxes and frames and give them to her to surely fill her up, I would.

But actually, I wouldn’t.

Our little Gracie’s life is very full of moments where she feels her joy and shows her love.  She also feels frustrated and short tempered at times, and irritable when she wakes up or when she needs to do something on someone else’s schedule or when she’s learning something new and hard or when Max is within a few feet.

And she’s mad as a hatter and disappointed when she doesn’t get the blue ribbon at the Science Fair.

She still (I say still because this started the first hour of her life) needs to feel very near to us in order to fall asleep (skin touching is ideal) and she wishes her room was much, much closer to ours (like inside of it).

But now that I think about it, I wouldn’t try to fill her life with anything other than what it already has.  All of these things are already hers, hers alone, hers to share. They are also her perfection, just as is her joy and her love.

Gracie Girl.  Forget manicures, let’s climb a tree little lady.

 

The Marcus Family Skis

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. ~Dave Berry

Day 1 – Driving – St. Louis through KC to drop Grandma off (after visit to St. Louis for VIP Day at Max’s school) to Limon, Colorado. Long day of driving. Can never decide where or when to stop. Before kids fall asleep? No, let’s wait until they are asleep and drive a bit (I agree to this, though Dan is really thinking we should keep going until 4 or 5 am). Max takes an hour to fall asleep. After that Grace starts, and takes an hour to fall asleep. By that time I’m so cranky we just need to stop, but they are finally asleep, says Dan, we could make it all the way to Breckenridge. He finally acknowledges that he forgets about the third child, me. We stop in Limon at the Comfort Inn.

Day 2 – A little more driving, aaaand, the fun begins – Limon, Colorado to Frisco, Colorado for lunch at the Butterhorn Cafe. Two snickerdoodles left, thank goodness. On to Breckenridge. Checked into condo. Picked up skis. Swam in pool and hot tub. Everyone a little fried still from the long drive.

Day 3 – Skiing – Kids in full day ski lessons. Dan and I skied together all day until our legs were rubbery; chilled for an hour in the sun at the bottom of the moutain, having a drink, while waiting for the kids to get out of ski school. Nice day. Shopped around town (everyone went into CRABBYland), picked up pizza, swam and hot tubbed, watched iCarly, watched Season 1 Disk 1 Castle.

Day 4 – Family skiing -  Max skied in between our legs, hardest workout you could ever try. Skiing alone is slightly frightening, skiing with a four year old in between your legs is treacherous. Dan and I both took turns doing learners green runs with Grace. Grace showed us her jumps at the end of the day. Skiing with Grace was one of the most carefree, lighthearted times I’ve shared with her.  We laughed and skied – she’ll be a better skier than I am in one more ski trip.  Back down for swim and hot tub. Left over pizza for dinner, shopping (everyone CHEERY), dessert at Clint’s.

Biggest scare of our lives – Dan didn’t make it onto the elevator before the doors shut, so the kids and I hid in the hallway upstairs to scare him coming off the elevator.  He never showed up so we went back downstairs looking for him and then finally went back to our condo.  We opened door to a pitch black home, the three of us walked in and looked around trying to find the lights – a monster came to life out of the bed. We screamed so loud I hope someone called the cops to help.  Our pants were scared off.  Even after all of this, it is decided that we will definitely stay an extra day.

Day 5 – More ski school and another ski date – The kids were in lessons all day; Dan and I skied all over Peak 8 and a couple of runs down Peak 9. It was a fantastic day. We had snacks at the bottom of the hill together at the end of the day, came back to the Condo for dinner, swam, read books with the kids and watched more Castle. This was the day that it all came together – the rhythm of the ski gear schlep, the rhythm of the slopes, the rhythm of what to expect from the kids, the rhythm of being out of our normal routine and in heaven.  And this is the day I tried to knock down the tree with my face.

Day 6 – Grace and Dan skied in morning, Max and I tooled around; we also went to look at the snowplow train. We met Dan and Grace for lunch on the moutain and then the kids and I rested the rest of the afternoon.  We shopped, met Dan for dinner and had a wind down evening. They all swam in pool while it snowed and was 17 degrees out.  I finished a book by the fire.  Heaven.

Day 7 – Checking out – We checked out of the condo and tooled around Breckenridge for doughnuts and walking.  We drove up to a beautiful view and took a semi-great hike. We searched for animal tracks and I am perfectly positive we saw bear tracks.  It was a beautiful blue sky, crisp mountain air day.  We had lunch at Butterhorn on the way out; there were no snickerdoodles left.  No big deal since we had no room left in our stuffed guts.  Drove from Frisco, CO to Abilene, KS. People went crazy at the end of the car ride (people named Jen and Max).

Day 8 – Aaaaand, the drive home – Drove from Abilene, KS to St. Louis, MO. Stopped in KC for lunch with Dad and Amy. Got back to St. Louis in time for snow.  oh oh.

In all, a supercalifragilistic trip. I feel like we accomplished something big. We drove all the way to Breckenridge for the second time in one year! We had a great place to stay!! We got our ski equipment rented!!! We got the kids signed up for lessons!!!! We picked our equipment up, hauled it all around town and only Grace had ski boots six sizes too small!!!! We exchanged Grace’s boots after she put them on the second day and said that she felt like the hole in her foot was back!!!!!! The kids took two days of lessons and stayed all day (mostly because I’m THAT mom that didn’t hear the phone ring or listen to the message from the ski school saying that Max was beside himself and that I should come get him. Didn’t hear it long enough that he gave up and went back out and skied the rest of the afternoon. Yep, still THAT mom)!!!!! None of us had to ride back down the mountain in a snow mobile!!!!! We enjoyed our time together on our first vacation that was just the four of us, especially after the first couple of days of adjusting to being together for 24 hours straight!!!!!!! We swam in an 85 degree pool while it snowed!!!!!!! And we all want to go back next year. We did it. We took our first ski trip. Dan and I have been waiting for this day since the ski trip we took during the year we were engaged.  I thought constantly of what an incredible blessing it was to be able to take our kids skiing.  It was a true dream come true.

 

Maxalicious, Maxalonius, Maxwell Reg, Mackey, Maxie

The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four – of secondary importance is to prepare for being five.  ~Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985

Maxwell Reggie Barmann Marcus turned 4 years old on Superbowl Sunday!  We sang happy birthday to him with a dessert and candles on 4 different occasions (1. at his party at Monkey Joe’s on Saturday afternoon, 2. at his birthday dinner at Happy Joe’s on Saturday evening, 3. at his birthday breakfast on his actual birthday on Sunday, 4. at brunch on Sunday before the Globetrotters game).  It was a great weekend in celebration of our favorite little man in the world.

This post was written exactly 1 day after Max’s birthday but never completed and posted.  I just opened it today to finish it and realized that I had already forgotten how sweet it was that we got to celebrate Max so much on his birthday weekend.   

Max is 4.  His skin is getting less and less baby soft.  He is stronger and taller than ever (this is how things go, right?)  I do declare that there is precisely no baby left.  I can barely carry him at all, but did still try last night when he was very tired and we had a longish walk into church.  But I have to beg him to hold on to my neck and try to hold himself up because otherwise I will tip.  Do you think I’ll still try to do this when he’s 14?  I will in my heart, fer sure.

I watched Max scootering around our street tonight, chewing gum and full of independence and confidence, scootering on one foot and balancing all the way.  I called him in for dinner and as I walked back in waiting for him I realized that I miss him.  I miss my little baby boy while I love the little boy to pieces.  While he was getting ready for bed I looked at him and missed the tiny baby that I took to the doctor at ten days old because his breathing wasn’t right.  I told him about how small he was and how I could hold him up on my chest and that was his whole size and how I would forget we named him Max and would call him Reggie.  He asked when it was that we named him and I told him that I had to send the birth certificate person away two times because we weren’t sure.  That was all eons ago. 

I’m trying to focus on holding on loosely, but sometimes there is still a little chaffing as the good stuff slips by, even when more good stuff fills its place.  Mackey at all ages is fabulous.  Someday 4 will seem like the itty bitty and oh so close.

 

For Goodness Sake

Which form of proverb do you prefer Better late than never, or Better never than late?  ~Lewis Carroll

Ummhmm.  Yep.  Who knows.  It is Feb.  Almost Max’s birthday.  And here’s the scoop from Christmas and New Years!  This stuff is too precious to say better never than late. 

We had a great Christmas Eve in line with our tradition of taking the worst pictures of the year (especially of me) in front of the tree before going to Church, having an easy dinner at home and exchanging our family gifts.  I was obsessed this year with what traditions people have regarding family gifts, santa gifts, etc.  We do family gifts, which are usually smaller things, on Christmas Eve.  Santa brings the bulk of the gifts which are opened Christmas Day.

And Santa didn’t disappoint.  We had a great day together that started by opening presents at 6:00am, eating homemade cinnamon rolls, playing with all of our new toys and then going out for a sled!

We had a white Christmas so we took the kids to Art Hill in Forest Park for sledding.  It was a dream come true!  I have had a goal of getting the kids to Art Hill for sledding for years, but it felt as achievable as setting a goal to see a dingo run past my house.  We needed a day when we could all go and there was good snow and that the entire populate of metro St. Louis wouldn’t also be there.  And it happened Christmas 2010!  Yay.

We headed to KC on the 26th for some big family love.  It was lovely.  I am so grateful that our kids get to enjoy this kind of holiday.  The love it!  We are so very lucky.

We went ice skating at this place where you can get a whole rink for your group.  It was a hoot.  I am planning to debut as a figure skater when I turn 40.  And don’t be like my brother and say that my coat looks like it came from the 80s.  It was a very nice gift from Dan for Christmas (which I so very kindly put on hold for him at Nordstrom one day when shopping for everyone else and made myself late and got stuck in a 45 minute traffic jam in the parking garage and missed pickup time at G’s school, but that’s like three other stories).

We got to have a wonderful brunch with my favorite non-blood-relatives-but-still-qualify-as-family family, the beautiful Tebbe/Dean crew.

And there was the annual christmas pinata. 

And then it was off to Minneapolis for some snow fun.  We went tubing.

And there was half a day spent building what I would call an igloo.  Others call this a quinzhee.  Either way, they looked cold and happy.  It was later that day that we went to a party where the family had flooded their backyard and the kids got to ice skate.

And there was the fun dinner out on New Year’s Eve Eve.  Which ended up not as fun when it came back up due to either food poisening or the freakishness of my sensitive stomach.  But that didn’t overshadow the fun we had out with Rob and Alli.   And it should be mentioned (absolutly must be mentioned) that we are overtaking them in Euchre.  Score is officially being kept from here forward.

There was cousin fun, which just gets better and better.

And better.

And while we’re on Walker.  He rocks.  He is a super-duper smiler.  And the most lovable guy you ever saw.  You can’t help yourself  from eating him up.

So cheers.  Happy New Year! Thanks to all who shared their warmth and love and homes with us.

 

Above all this bustle, you hear (part 2)

…Wisdom appears from a pure and peaceful mind. ~Budda

Two things Grace said today have to be noted.  The first was as we drove past a house in our neighborhood on the way home tonight.  This is the house that has at least 3 (usually more like 7) giant, blow up creatures for each and every holiday of the year.  Between October and December they never have an empty yard.  As we drove by tonight I noticed a huge banner (I mean huge, like at least 20 feet across) next to the giant  blow up snowman that said “Happy Birthday Jesus”.  I kind of chuckled and pointed it out to Grace.  She asked, “Don’t you like it mama?  I like it because Christmas really is Jesus birthday.  I think it is nice.”  To which I said, “You’re right. Sometimes we forget what Christmas is about.”  Now, on one hand, I agree with her and am happy at how far we have come from our discussion about Jesus while decorating our Christmas tree last year.  On another hand, I didn’t know how to explain irony and tackiness to her.  I took the moment to reflect on how sweet it is that she finds this so nice.  At which point she said “It is about Jesus.  And Santa too.  How did Santa come about anyway?”  How much complication can a mama take in one block?

And the second thing she said today that filled me with peace was as we were reading a Magic Tree House book.  In the book, Leonardo diVinci says that happiness comes from fame.  Several pages after we read that, Grace was squirming and she said that she didn’t like that he said happiness comes from fame because it “wasn’t true.”  She struggled to express herself in saying that happiness doesn’t come from something you have or you get, but from what you do and give.  I was speechless and stunned and felt a weight lift from me.   There are no better words for me to hear from my child during this season of overindulgence and material focus and concern about whether or not we are teaching our kids the right perspective on this world.  I take no credit for her feeling this way.  It was a moment when a tiny wisdom of life appears as clear as the bluest sky - children are pure of heart. 

Now, since this is something that came directly from Grace’s little spirit, how do we run with that?  Pile on the christmas presents?  Help!?!

PS I have missed the blogeroni.  Hope I don’t drive you crazy with updates.

 

And above all this bustle you hear …

Sing, choirs of angels,
Sing in exultation ~lyrics from Oh Come All Ye Faithful

Our angels were in their first Christmas play at church.  It was so simple and lovely and it ushered in a notable joyous spirit to our house. 

So we made cookies.  Loads and loads of cookies.  Yay.

And we finished the day with the most precious sight.  The kids sat reading snuggled together like this for nearly twenty minutes. Oh, holy night.