Here is the rainbow I’ve been praying for. ~Lyrics in Johnny Nash’s “I Can See Clearly Now”

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Max started school at the Kirkwood Early Childhood Center today.  He is going to attend all day on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  It was an amazing day.  He was nothing but confident from the minute he got up to when I picked him up.  When I came in the classroom to take him home, he was washing his hands at the sink and then moved to the kid sized drinking fountain.  I watched him to do this and knew that this is the right place for him.  He wants nothing more than to do his thing, on his own, without our help.  I said hi to him and he looked like he didn’t understand why I was there.  He said “we’re going to the gym”.  I was interrupting!  I asked if he’d like to come home and he really had to think.  The wonderful teacher, Miss Jenny, said that he could go to the gym another day and he acquiesced and came home with us.  Dan said, after my report, that we’ll drop him off at college and never hear from him again.  Oy.

I am flowing with joy at the thought of Max being where he is supposed to be.  Last night, I was a shambles, a wreck, a flubbing, blubbing, mildly terrified, sad, nostalgic mom melting with emotion at the passage of time, the knowledge that you get one shot to be a good mom and the crazy making feeling of subconsciously trying to hold on as tight as I could (in addition to Max’s first day, Grace starts kindergarten tomorrow too).  Per usual, the one little thing I forgot to consider is that the changes to their routine might go fantastically.  And that it is not about me.  The glory of loving them is loving them throughout time.

We all had a great day today.  I took the day off since Max was going to be in school, so I could have a back-to-school special day with Grace.  We stopped at the bakery, shopped for a special gift for Max (she decorated a box, wrote him a book, made cards and we got him a new train – all her idea) went shopping for school clothes, had lunch at the Nordstrom cafe, did crafts and watched a little Mary Poppins.  It was fabulous to spend that much time with her.  Letting go feels awesome.  I was reminded several times today when we were out and about of what we have to look forward to … halloween, the balloon glow, thanksgiving, winter break!

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How can I get so crazy worried about if things are just right for them, when we are so immensely blessed?  The problem for me is in taking on their entire lifetimes and feeling like the things I do and decisions we make are chess moves in a win or lose situation.   I love them dearly and will do my best when it comes to decisions.  Just looking at them should remind me that they have strength at their core that came with them out-of-the-box.   Max is sure and sweet and self-contained; Grace is creative, thoughtful and inquisitive.  They are healthy as can be.  The schools are good.  I’ll take that rainbow any day.

After such a peaceful day today, I found my motto for ’09-’10 school year:  No Drama Mama. 🙂  We’ll see if I can keep to it for even one day (first day of kindergarten).