It is easy to be heavy, hard to be light. ~GK Chesterton

Ok, I’ve been saving up stories about how I’m “that mom”. The one who is so much more of a mess than I ever thought I’d be. The one who forgets to pick up my own child from school, who makes my kid’s lunch sandwich out of a hot dog bun and cream cheese, who fake calls the school when the little says there is no school on Monday and then stands at the bus stop singing, “it’s 8:08 and the bus is really late” until the neighbor drives by saying there really is no school that day.

There are more along those lines, and I’ll keep logging them for release at a future date. But the point is, I’m “that” mom. And I’m coming to terms with it, but there are days when I still find myself believing it is going to be a day that I have it togethter. Today was one of those.

Dan left at 5:30am. I got up at 6:00 and started my run. We had a new episode of Modern Family and the kids accepted it that I was watching my show and running and they were going to wait for “their” show and for breakfast. They waited patiently and did crafts until 7am when I finished. We had breakfast. We got ready to take Grace to school. I showered! I made all 3 beds!! And picked up a little!!! We dropped her off on time!!!! And they had school today!!!!! It was 8:30 and Max and I were raring to go!!!!!!

We got coffee. Went to the shoe store and bought summer shoes (it is March, see how the day was shaping up?). It was 9:40 and we pulled into Best Buy’s parking lot. Those lazy bums don’t open till 10 but I was so full of patience today that I decided to let Max play in the car and wait until they open. Next thing I know it is 5 minutes to 10 and Max gets that look on his face and says slowly “I have to go potty”. Slowly because he’s concentrating on going right then. I totally forgot that he loves playing in the car so much that it makes him poop. Always has. I’m that mom.

I had no wipes or anything else that an organized mom with a kid who is still in the training phase of toilet learning would have. There was one diaper shoved between the back seats of the minivan. I got him out of the car, took everything off, wiped him up using his sweatpants as toilet paper, doing my best to not make eye contact with the gentleman who was in his car also waiting for Best Buy to open, put the diaper on him and put him back in his seat. I thought, ok, we’ll go home and get pants and then get back out to tackle our 12 errands. It is only 10:00 for goodness sake.

So I got back in the car and figured I’d just dump his undies and sweatpants-that-doubled-as-wipes into the trash. As I closed the door and went to set the pile down, the pooper fell out. On my lap. It rolled down my jacket and into my lap. I swear to you it was steaming. I had a hot pooper in my lap. Am I really that mom?

I drove home using only my pinky finger to steer. And then we packed it in for the rest of the day. It is now 3:00 and we have not done one errand. Anyway, I’m not sure why I thought we’d get a lot done, we had to wait for heavey duty carpet cleaners to come and remove the giant paint stains Max created yesterday in the new carpet.

I found myself driven to make cookies. I have been on a sabbatical from baking in order to trim up a bit but I broke down and made the most delicious peanut (ok soynut) butter/chocolate chip cookies you have ever tasted. Now that I think about it, I needed the house to smell delicious after that car ride home.

I’m that mom. Things are always a mess. I fall short. I screw up. I forget things. I’m late. I never have cash. I am covered in poop sometimes. My hair is usually wet. I wear a fat suit because I bake to make the house smell good and restore my sense of well being. And I hope that those yummy smells surround my kids with a sense of a home that has life and love and nourishment and generosity in it. I’ve really struggled this winter with feeling way too inadequate, way too this, way too that, not enough this, not enough that. The truth is, no one wants to be covered in poop. But I do want, with all my heart, to be this mom.

I’m finishing this post a day later. As I was trying to finish it yesterday, I mildly noticed out of the corner of my attention that the house smelled like it might burn down. When I glanced at the clock and it was 5 minutes past when I needed to leave to pick G up from school, I went downstairs and it came to my full attention that I had burned, to a crisp, the second batch of the delicious cookies. Max was still napping, so I had to wake him from a coma and race out the door to get Grace, so she wouldn’t be the one kid left with the teacher standing in front of the school. Again. I’m that mom. I am.

I may never get used to it. I may suffer bouts of depressive feelings in the ten minutes between when the kids fall asleep and when I crash, thinking: I can’t do this. But it is easy to be heavy, hard to be light. And I really make an effort to be light. I love this life to bits and hope all will forgive my shortcomings and focus on the good, yummy, light stuff.