Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.  ~Carl Gustav Jung

I saw my devil, in a way, recently.  The little bugger that clouds my thinking and casts shadows, making things look gloomy.  It tries to convince me that it was always that way and always will be.  It crept in on me and simply took away the peace of mind that communing with joy leaves.  I can’t say it actually took my joy, but that it has held it just out of reach.  I knew it was there, but couldn’t get in the arms of it.  I am sorry to see this familiar devil; as sorry as you can be.  I am sorry for the lack of thanksgiving and humor it causes.  I am sorry for the edge in my voice and lack of patience.

We’re getting the help we need to chase this bugger away.  And I have confidence that the joys will fill my heart and mind with peace as they should.  In fact, I was in the midst of them on my run on Thanksgiving day – I met my joyful self out on the running trail on a very crisp, cold, blue sky Turkey Day.  It felt easy to focus on thankfulness and blessing.  But, the distance from that for the last couple of months has jarred me a bit.  Seeing this devil from my current step in the spiral staircase of life means I see it from another perspective, one that includes both hindsight and the future.  I am sad to recognize how this devil has had some influence on my life.  And as my primary role right now is to provide love and discipline in a healthy environment for my dear hearts to grow as joyful souls, the future is on my mind a lot too.  So the other question is how it will shape the rest of our life, it is no longer just me.  I want more than anything to protect them from this devil (and all other devils as well, as any mother would).

As I just wrote that last sentence, I’m wondering a few things (this is one of the reasons I write this stuff down).  Is this devil just one of a million things I could worry will ruin my kids spirits?  Perhaps it is one bugger I can see closely but that doesn’t mean I know any more or less how it will affect us going forward.  Am I striving for protection and perfection in myself as a mother that isn’t possible?  Is that state any more real than the false cloudy darkness?  Is this a struggle, a bump, a molehill, no more, no less?  Struggle is part of life.  Can’t be avoided, right? 

Right now, my Maxalonius is squealing and laughing.  Grace is eating a candy mint.  From the outside the appear to be two happy, healthy and certainly loved little kids.  What I want to see is deep into their hearts, to make sure they are whole.  I want to avoid anything I could possibly do, or say, or even feel, that might hurt them or diminish their joy now or in the long run.  I am certain every mother wants this.  I am certain I will fall short.  I am certain I will try my absolute hardest to keep focused on the myriad of things we have to be thankful for and to move as quickly as I can through the times where that isn’t as prevalent. 

I love you all and this life dearly.  Here’s to taking things as they come.

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