The waiting is the hardest part.  ~Tom Petty

There is much to be grateful for and so much I have not had the time to blab out loud.

I haven’t written the huge gratitude post for the week of Cousin Camp 2.0 …2014-07-21 14.11.57

or for our two week trip to Colorado…

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where my heart almost broke watching this gem of a young woman park ranger bestow Grace and Max with junior ranger badges in Rocky Mountain National Park …

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or for the every day blessings of a very fortunate life.

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It has been a whirlwind with back to school and kids activities and One Direction

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and double headers

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and curriculum nights and I even ran in an 82 mile relay race (and laughed all. day. long.; more than I’ve laughed in years), all while Dan was in Scotland and then …

Our dad broke his hip.  And Missy went into labor.  Dad had surgery at the same time that Missy labored.  Mom got filled with enough fluids and steroids so she could be at the hospital while Dad came out of surgery and got situated.  Then she got filled with more steroids and fluids so that she and Amy could travel to St. Louis to see the newest itty bitty with Barmann in her name.

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Elise came home and lives down the street from us.  We couldn’t be more excited to see her grow into a little girl.  It’s an amazing privilege to watch Missy and Jeff emerge as loving, dedicated parents.

Our dad has not gone home because his recovery from surgery is not going perfectly.  It is unclear when or if he will be able to leave the care of a dedicated nursing staff.

The love and heartache that are coming and going all at the same time must be the stuff that makes tornadoes spin.

The thoughts of who will live, (or very morbidly not live?), where and when try to clobber me at many moments of the day.  I know that my family and Missy’s family will take care of Amy in the long run.  There are times when my mind thrashes about because I don’t know what that will look like, or when it will be needed or how it will affect my kids, my marriage, our house, me.

But, it’s not about me.

The universe, mainly in the form of Dan and a big sign that says “It’s not about you JB,”, keeps trying to tell me that it’s not about me.  Earlier this week, my friend Angela reminded me that it’s not about me.  I listened to a sermon that said that it’s not about me.  And through a number of little things that happened that day, it became really clear:

It’s really not about me.  It’s about waiting to do what we’re called to do and doing whatever that is with love.

I asked Dan last night if there are bible stories about people waiting for God to call them to serve and about how they act or feel in that period.  If you know Dan at all, you know that’s kind of funny.  And also if you know Dan at all you know that he told me all about Noah and the Arc in much detail.  And then he told me about Moses.  According to Dan, Noah was confused about what he was supposed to be doing.  And Moses too – Moses was simply saying “you got the wrong guy, I’m inadequate.”  I did some fact checking and Dan was right on.

Dan also couldn’t resist totally making fun of me by bringing up Tom Petty’s expert words on the subject (see above).

I am grateful for the realization yesterday that we are waiting to be called to service.  We are confused and my heart and tiny brain say that I’m inadequate.  I am inadequate.  That’s the beauty of it all.

I’m deeply grateful, in my totally inadequate way, for the knowledge that love and grace is deeper than anything my mind can come up with.  And that when we’re needed, love and grace will guide us through the next steps.

 

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