Whatever satisfies the soul is truth. ~Walt Whitman

It has been exactly one month since our mom died.  Almost 9 months since our dad died.

I’m in the mood to talk about how I feel.

I feel that people dying is confusing.  I get it that people die as part of the cycle of life and I *hope* and *believe* that their souls are dancing and belly laughing with a constant runner’s high on a blue sky 68 degree day in the mountains.  I hope and believe they are with us still.  I’m not confused about where they are.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know where I am.  I see the same walls but it doesn’t make any sense because I know for sure I’m not in the same place.  Sometimes the floors feel tippy.  And the most I ever drink is one drink, so it’s not that.

Sometimes it feels like I’m not afraid or anxious about anything at all any more, because the worst thing is over.

And then I think about the fact that something worse could actually happen; what if someone else gets sick and we had to rev up our engines to deal with that.  Or something else even so much worse it is unimaginable?

But then I’m certain something worse won’t happen, at least not soon, because did you know that God never puts more on you than you can handle?

Ahahahaha.  I’d like to invite the jackass that made that up over to my house.  I’d also like to ask them what kind of sweet life they have been living that left them never once exposed to something they couldn’t handle.  I’d also like to ask if they’ve heard of any of the recent natural disasters.  Or malnourished children.  People in this world are suffering more than they can handle.

As for me, I could not handle the past nine months.

I guess that’s why sometimes I don’t know where I am.  Because when we do end up in places and circumstances that are more than we can handle, we are spit out the other side completely changed.  We are stretched and changed and beat up and some relationships break and some relationships strengthen and our activities change and we get wrinkles and bags and we break down when it would be better not to and we don’t break down when it would be good to let it out and we. are. changed.

The “you” that was there when the more-than-you-can-handle started is not the same “you” that is there in the end.

Sometimes I feel that I have lost everything: the way life was, prior to the last nine months, is over in many ways.

Sometimes I don’t feel anything at all, except that I have to pee.

Sometimes I feel mad at people who lost a parent and then went on a six month hike or did drugs or otherwise imploded their entire life.

But I’m only mad at them because I’m jealous.  I’d really like to be reckless and irresponsible and I’d definitely like to hike for six straight months by myself and then write a best selling book about it and turn that into a movie, thus turning my parents’ death and my self-involved-fancy-white-person’s-implosion into a big fat cash cow.

Instead, my self-involved-implosion consists of eating too much at lunch time and trying to recover by dinner but eating too much then too, dreaming of spending one solitary night in the Glendale jail to get some rest, and writing this silly blog.

But the simple truth is that people are suffering in this world right now, way more than I will ever suffer.

The truth is that I have way too much to lose to risk letting my whole life implode.  Nothing is the same as it was before, but the three other people also inside these strange walls deserve more than me imploding.  They have been nearby the whole time and even though they look different to me now too, and they too have been changed, and there is a fourth one in here with us, this more-than-we-can-handle gave me a little bit of clarity.

The clarity is age old stuff like: you can’t take anything with you when you die; death happens to the best of us; even when you can’t handle something you usually have some choices about the next step; your health is everything; people are generally awesome; life is short.

The most clarity is around this truth: a lot of things matter in the world we build out of our pride, but only a few things matter in the world we build out of our love.  And the only thing that really matters is the world we build out of our love.

So there you have it.  If you’re still reading then you have suffered through my self indulgence and I ask that you forgive me and I also thank you.  It so helps me to get some of these thoughts out of my head so they can go on and leave me alone.