Tomorrow may rain with sorrow
Here’s a little time we can borrow
Forget all our troubles in these moments so few ~Heavenly Day/Patti Griffin

It’s back to school time again.  The past two weeks have been calm, healthy, getting organized, gems of normalness.

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And when I say normal, it means something different to everyone, agreed?

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For sure.

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So in this moment of peace, I’m watching and waiting to see what the universe comes up with next.  Back to school has started this way the past couple of years and then taken a nasty turn in September.

Sep 18, 2013 doctors said our mom had a few days/weeks to live.   That whole school year was spent in the mode of when…if…how…why…what?  And included 86,732 miles between St. Louis and Kansas City, a few new wrinkles and pounds and a lot of love and gratefulness.

Back to school 2014 started out in a new normal, aka completely unsettled and thrashing about.  Sep 18, 2014, our dad died.   I’m not making it up that the dates were the same.  That whole school year was spent in the mode of moving mom and Amy to St. Louis, taking them back and forth to the cancer center, social service agencies, trying to make the most out of borrowed time and when…if…how…why…what?  and more wrinkles, more pounds, more love and gratefulness and heartbreak.  Our mom died on May 4th, right before school ended.

What is it with my parents’ and the school year?

So here we are, school is on again and we’re yet again in a new normal.

I dreamt last night that my mom was dying.  In my dream, my heart was shattering and I was telling Dan that I couldn’t live without her; he was saying something about me being dramatic.  Of course I also couldn’t find her to sit and hold her hand as she passed, my dad was there, my siblings were going every which way.

I woke up and it took a while to breathe in reality.  They are gone.  They aren’t dying any more.  The when…if…how…why…what has slipped back into the recesses as it is when life and death aren’t staring you down and ripping you up daily.  Hours later still, I don’t know if that was a nightmare or a beautiful dream.

Those in my dream may have been my first actual feelings in a long time.  Life is settling down and the feelings are loosening up.

I’m going to sleep until 1 Oct.  When I wake up I will accept whatever surrounds me.

I hope it is something like what Dan and I saw when we finished our evening walk the other night.  That’s a rainbow.  But more to the point, our house seems to be sitting on what should be a GIANT POT OF GOLD.

Thank goodness.

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